My Vote Counts

So, a few months ago a got a questionnaire from that one company who monitors peoples television viewing habits. They asked me not to name them, but there's really only one outfit that compiles tv ratings, right? Any way, I filled it out rather facetiously with a red magic marker using as many expletives as I could. I popped it in the s.a.s.e. they provided and sent it off, promptly forgetting all about it.

Sometime later I received another letter. They asked me to give them a call. "Hah!" I thought and stuffed it under a couch cushion which is where I file paperwork. (No, really I do. It drives Marie crazy to find months of unsorted credit card receipts and envelopes stamped "Important! Reply Immediately!" every time she lifts a cushion.) Again, I promptly forgot about it.

Fast forward a few more weeks. One afternoon while sitting on my front stoop smoking a cigarette this attractive young lady walked up holding a brown paper sack.

"Are you David Sxxxxxxx?"

I thought about lying or just running inside and locking the door. I glanced around nervously. "Yeah."

"I'm so-and-so from that company we don't want you to talk about. We'd like to stick a bunch of electronic equipment in your house and monitor what you watch on tv."

"Um, what's in it for me?"

"I have this bag full of chocolates and two pounds of Starbucks coffee." I must have looked skeptical. "And we'll pay you."

"Oh, ok. Where do I sign?"

She showed me and I signed. I spent the afternoon eating chocolate and drinking coffee.

Now, every time I turn on my television my vote gets counted toward which shows are successful.

I hope you all like Futurama reruns.

And by the way, Junk sucked balls. Twenty seconds into it I remembered that I 'd seen it before and didn't like it. I returned it saying it wouldn't play and used the money to buy copies of Good Omens and Neverwhere.

Oh, also Kurt Vonnegut, jr. recently passed away. So it goes. I'd be sad, but I truly believe he wouldn't want anyone to mourn for him.